THINGS LEXX CHARACTERS WOULDN'T SAY...(At least, not so far!)
Xev: Damn it, Kai, get your hands off me!

Kai: The dead don't do the hoochie-coochie.

Stan: No thanks, Kai. I can handle these bounty hunters by myself.

Xev: I have a headache.

790: I'm a head. I do not want.

Kai: I'll trade you my brace for your hat.
Stan: Deal.

Kai: Stan! Save me!

Kai (waking): Hey! I was in the middle of really good dream!

Kai: I feel a sense of motivation...to feed Remma chocolate.

790: Forget Xev! Save Tweedle!!!!

Kai (to Stan): Dude, I love your hair.

Kai: My sex organ has not functioned in over 2000 years... except for that time in Vegas...

Kai: Xev. I lied. My sex organ *does* work. But only for Stan.

Stan: I've got... girl parts! (singing) I feel pretty, oh so pretty...



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From Wake the Dead

Kai: Kill them all, in cool ways... with chocolate...

Kai (mocking Tad): You didn't treat her right, Tad. You're a bad boyfriend. So she dumped you... and now *I'm* taking Kanana to the prom.

Kai: Kill Tad... Rip into Gibble... Do Laleen... (pause) Heck, I'm the only man who DIDN'T do Laleen.

Kai: Don't run away... I made you brownies...


Xev: Kai, the kids just woke you up wrong. That's all. Why don't get you a big glass of protoblood, your stuffed bear, and read you a bedtime story?
Kai (little kid's voice): 'Kay.
Xev: You're not a killer anymore, Kai.
Kai: I am, too.
Xev: Are not.
Kai: Am, too.
Xev: Are...


Kai: I've killed mothers with their babies... I've killed great philosophers... proud young warriors and revolutionaries... harmless bunnies... tenured professors.. itsy bitsy spiders... girls named Heather...
(Xev and Stan die of old age...)



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Zev: I'm part cluster lizard... ooo, look what I can do with my tongue!!


Kai: Who would you like me to kill?
Divine Shadow: It's 'whom,' you imbecile! How many times do I have to tell you? Whom, whom, whom!



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From White Trash

Xev: I am warning you! I'm part Cluster Lizard.
Redneck: No problem. I'm part human.


Paw: It's the law! You'll never find me!
Kai: Stan, Xev, follow that stench.


(Two men enter the bridge)
Man 1: You 790?
790: Yes. Who are you?
Man 1: That's not important, Mr. Ninety.
Man 2: You tried to back out on a deal with a mutual acquaintance.
790: The Kid? What are you going to do?
Man 2: We're going to break your kneecaps.... (looks at Man 1)
Man 1: Never mind.
(Men leave)




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From Terminal

Kai: I have ended countless more lives than I have saved.
Zev: Then I guess it's time you gave up brain surgery.


Administrator: I understand you have a medical problem.
Kai: I am dead.
Administrator (thinking): Why do they always send me the hopeless cases?


Dr Funz: There is no reason your friend shouldn't make a full recovery...
Zev: Thank you, doctor!
Dr Funz: ...Unless he doesn't survive being hermetically sealed for your protection.


Kai: Zev wants to be alone.
790: Good. Let's do some guy things. Take me bowling!


Dr. Kazaan: You wear your destiny on your skin.
Zev: No, that's just a tattoo from my punk days.


Dr. Kazaan (watching Zev's hand glow): That's right... Come to papa... looking good.
Assistant (thinking): I wonder when someone's going to explain to him what sex really is.


Dr. Funz (to Kai): I am going to direct this beam at your face. What do you think about that?
Kai (squealing): No! Not the face! Anything but the face!
*Kali and all of the Chocolate Chicks inject a hearty "The dead do not squeal!"


790: Tweedle, get the wrap off my head! I'm losing control!
Stan: I told you, 790. I'm only doing this with you if you use protection!


Kai (stopping Stan from blowing up MedSat): Zev died saving us. It would not be her wish.
Zev-goo in Jar: Gurgle, bubble (TRANSLATION: Go for it, Stan!)



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From Super Nova

Gigerotta: Gigerotta will... just have a salad!

Kai: In my studies, I learned the Brunnis sky. That star... I did not learn about that star.
Stan: You were skipping class, eh?
Kai (THWACK!)


Zev: Maybe we can find something that will help you.
Kai: I do not seek help.
Zev (to Stan): It's time for the intervention.
Stan (putting hand on Kai's shoulder): Admitting your problem is the first step, Kai.


Gigerotta (striding into room and singing): What's love got to do with it? What's love but a second-hand emotion?


(The blade stops halfway through Kai's chest)
Kai (singing to the Beatles' "Yesterday"): Suddenly, I am halved the man I used to be... There's a big blade hanging over me...
Zev: Do you know anything by the Stones?


Time Prophet: Stan - you must go to Section 83, Row 249, Blot 35.
Stan: Bingo!


(Fantasy of ZEV and KAI dancing)
Zev (singing): Forever...
Kai (singing): Forever...
Stan (bursting in and cutting a rug): I've got rhythm! I've got music! Who could ask for anything more?
(ZEV looks with disgust at KAI's dancing and runs off with STAN)



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From Lafftrak

Lesterian: You Leeberians faked your ratings!
Leeberianl: at least we didn't fake our orgasms!
(Note: I know this is what all of you Lexxians were thinking...)

(Stan approaches doorway, which lights up and shows Slinka and Yo-Yo.)
Slinka: Why not join me... Slinka.
Yo-Yo: And me ... Yo-Yo.
Stan: Oh, boy! (claps his hands and dashes inside.)
Slinka & Yo-Yo (pull out latex gloves and garden shears): In "Psycho Feminist Time!"

(Holographic image screen appears in cryochamber. Cryopod door opens.)
Kai (looking at images): I know these programs. I remember ... I used to hate re-runs. (Goes back to cryosleep as holograph shows Stan entering "Specialty Show.")

Specialty Show Captain (grinning at Stan): What do we do to scumdogs, Scooj?
Scooj: Well, if you're me, you sleep with them!
Captain: What's that supposed to mean?
Second Underling: It means that you were lousy in bed!
Scooj: How would you know?
Second Underling: Well, I...
(As cast members argue, Stan sneaks away.)

Announcer: It's the Kai Show!
Chorus Girls (singing): It's a Kai kind of show!
Kai: The dead do not host variety shows.
Chorus Girls: (fawning over him): A Kai kind of dead.
Kai (glaring at girls): Where is Stanley Tweedle?
Chorus Girls: A Kai kind of Tweedle.
(Kai attempts to shake off chorus girls, fails, and uses brace on them. The bodies pile up, the ratings shoot through the roof, and "The Kai Show" is renewed for 10 seasons.)

Kai's Head: Isn't Xev tremendous? (forces laugh)
790: Tremendous? Oh, yeah!
Head #2: Xev's stupendous? (laughs) Yeah, she is!
Head #3: What's that? Red's stupendous? (chortles) How
stupendous!
Head #4: Eh? Red's stupid, you say? (guffaws) Yep, she's stupid!
Head #5: Absolutely stupid! I hate this show!
Programming Head (writing in notebook): Stupid, eh?
(Renamed "The Redhead Show," Xev's infomercial is ordered for 5 seasons as a companion piece to "Ally McBeal.")

Heads (as crew leaves): No! Not re-runs already!



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From Twilight

Rodher: They're getting in!
Hidea: I see that, I have eyes. What do you expect me to do?
Rodher: They're *your* relatives - tell them to go home!

Kai: I do not know what is wrong with Stanley.
Xev: Well, I don't think hooking these jumper cables to him helped.
790: Give it time, darling of darlings! (robot eyes show image of Stan frying) Give it time!

Kai: The billowing clouds! The empty codpiece! I must spin my wheel! Hey, I remember... I used to be a drug addict!

Stan (reviving): Oh, I don't feel so good. I feel like I ate shampoo.

Kai (shaking zombies' hands): Welcome... to Keg Night at the
Poetry Palace.

Lomia: I can think of no better place to die than in your arms.
Lyekka: There's always in the Conservatorium with Colonel
Mustard.

Stan: Lexx, turn around and blow up that planet.
Kai: Why? There's no one living on Ruuma.
Stan: It would be a feel-good experience for me.
Kai: Damn you, Tweedle! What about my feel-good experience?! (runs to cryopod, crying)



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From Stan's Trial

Stan: Xev, I suffer. I hurt. I've got feelings, too.
Xev: Oh, Stan! I love sensitive men! (throws Stan to floor in passion)
790: No-o-o-o!

Stan (looking at giant image of woman): Oh, boy! That belly button is big enough to crawl into! (Note: This explains the full-body condom!)

Jihana: Are you Stanley Tweedle?
Stanley: No, I'm... Kai of B3K!
Jihana: Damn! Cut him loose. It looks like our sting operation failed again!

SIGN ON THE LEXX:
Captained by Stanley H. Tweedle.... over 600 billion killed!

Jihana: Was your little moment of perverse pleasure worth 685 billion people's lives?
Stan: Yup! Just ask the Celes girls! I was great!

Jihana: This is a reconstruction from recordings on the Ostral-B base and Tweedle's own ship.
Nool: What! How did you get the recording from his ship? It was captured by mercenaries!
Jihana: Well, um, this is a re-enactment of those recordings.
Nool: But it isn't authentic.
Judge (shaking head): Show us.
(background music of "Bad Boys, Bad Boys" comes on)
Announcer on recording: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me in such re-enactments as "How An
Eighty-Year-Old Woman Killed His Shadow" and "When Cluster Lizards Attack!"

Jihana: Nool, sometimes people who are too smart are stupid.
Nool: What do you mean?
Jihana: I mean that... um, well...
Nool: That people who are really stupid are smart?
Jihana: Yes!
Nool: Which means you're smarter than me?
Jihana: Uh...probably!


(As Memory Probe is being placed over Stan's face.)
Stan: No!
Jihana: Oh, shut up! You can't play unless you wear the Memory Probe!
Stan: Gordie Howe never wore one! (Note: Go, Wings!)

Judge: I will render a decision after a short recess.
Kai: Recess!
Xev: Yay!
(Kai and Xev skip outside, giggling.)
Stan (struggling against bonds): Let me go!
Jihana: No, you have to stay inside and write 600 billion times "I will not trade nookie for military secrets."

Kai & Jihana: Nice bun!

Jihana: In every society, there are individuals who are different.
Stan: You mean...
Jihana: Yes. I'm double-jointed. And I can wiggle my ears.
Stan: Noooooo!

(Jihana prepares Nerve Bore Worms for Stanley.)
Stan: Woo hoo! It's a keg party!


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and a few from KaiShadowAssassin...
Stan: (to Kai) Why do you walk that way?
Kai: The outfit chafes.

Kai: Why does everyone insist on calling me "the stiff"

Kai: (upon meeting someone new) I am a 2000 year old dead assassin....and a Capricorn..what's your sign?

Lexx: E=MC(2) Let me explain it to you one more time Stan...

Stan: So then I told Kai if he wanted to attract women he should just play hard to get.

Bugs Bunny: (doing Kai's hair) Assassins are such innnn..teresting people.

Kai: (singing) Me and my Shadow....
(credit to MoD for that one)

Squish: (translated from cluster lizard) It's ALWAYS the sidekick that gets killed! Its just not fair!

Xev: (To Kai) Well if we position you just right..then freeze you..


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and from VisionAri we have:
790: There once was a girl from Nantucket . . .

Kai: The dead don't care if you get your stupid *ss shot off.

Kai: (yawns) Gimme five more minutes . . .

790: If it's okay with you, Xev, I'd really rather sleep with Stanley tonight.

Stan: Lexx, where is that signal coming from?
Lexx: It's coming from the Love Planet Nymphoid, Stan. Should I change course?
Stan: Nah. I'm really looking forward to visiting the Planet of Asexual Accountants.


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Some wacky additions from Gingitsune...
(Kai storms onto bridge points brace at Stan and Xev): "all right which one of you used all my shampoo?"

(Kai playing with brace): "Everyone loves a slinky! slinky! slinky! slinky!"

Stan: "Kai i am your father..."
Kai: (breaks down and cries) "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! GOD WHYYYY?"

(Xev with make-shift Kai sock puppet): "The universe is like one big hug....."

Stan: "Lexx blow up that planet.....SIKE!"

Xev: "(snicker)....ok stan put the shaving cream in his hand and lets wait for him to wake up."



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something from Sharka -

Stan: "Kai ,Kai , wake up! You've got to save us! They've got Xev!"
Kai: "I don't think I can do that Stan, I'm having a bad hair day.
Stan: "Please, Kai.
Kai: "No! I don't want Xev to see me like this, besides I feel bloated, I think I'm retaining protoblood.
Stan: "O.k. Kai. FINE! Go brace your self.


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some additions from Fields of Heather -
Kai: Does this make my butt look big?

Kai: Hey, Xev! You must be tired cause you've been running through my mind all night.

His Divine Shadow: What should I ware, the black one or the black one?
Kai: The black one. It really brings out your eyes.

Kai: I just washed my hair and I can't do a thing with it.

Xev (to Stan): Shut up and kiss me.

Stan (to Xev): Not tonight, I have a headache.

Time Profit: Darn, my crystal ball won't work and I just paid this thing off.

Stan (to Lexx): Don't eat Washington, Lexx, you know what politicians do to your figure.

Kai: Protoblood? No thank you, I'm full.

Kai: I can't get no....sat...is..fac...tion.

790: Your not just the man, Stan, your MY MAN!

Stan: Darn it Kai, why do I always have to get you out of trouble?

Kai ( dangling his brace in front of his eyes): Your getting sleeepy, sleeeepy, you can't stay awake.

Kai: Would you two keep it down, I'm trying to get some sleep back here.


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A little something from nightstar...
(Kai is sobbing over loss of Squish)
Zev: There, there.
Stan: It'll be ok, we'll just get you a dead puppy!

(Kai massaging client, snaps their neck)
Kai: Oops!
Manager: Dammit, that's the third one this week!
Kai: (A la Bones McCoy) I'm an assassin, not a masseuse!

Kai to Stan & Xev in IWHS: I am Kai, Last of the Brunnen-G. Remember my name, you'll be screaming it later.



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(Stan & Xev hiding pieces of Kai, which they've removed while he's inert, all over the Lexx)
Stan: He's gonna be forever looking for his parts!
Xev: Yeah well, that's what he gets for not playing hide & seek with us!

(Xev hides Kai's clothing in the shower)
Stan: That's the best place you could think of?
Xev: He never comes in here! Ever! (holding nose and tossing clothing into puddle of water)

(Xev tucks something under her pillow)
Stan: Hey! What're you hiding there?!
Xev: Uh...nothing! Just my comb!

(Xev draped Kai's braid over 790's eyes and lays him in one of the Divine Predecessor's slots)
790: What are you doing, love of my life?
Xev: Hiding you. Hush up now.
(As they walk away)
Stan: You just better hope that re-attaches when he finds it, or he's really gonna be pissed.
Xev: Why do you think I 'hid' it on 790?

(All pieces finally hidden, Stan & Xev part for the night)
Stan: How long do you think it'll take him to wake up and miss something?
Xev: Any time now, Stanley.

(Xev gets in bed and brings out a hand from beneath her pillow. It tries to grab her by the throat and she smiled and kisses it.)
Xev: Oh no! You're not going anywhere!