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DragonLance/AD&D Humor
Answer the following questions to finally figure out which magician you are
most like in DragonLance!
1. What is your alignment?
A. I'd like to think "good", but of late it's been getting darker.
B. Neutral.
C. Of the "dark side". I hate the word "evil".
D. Evil.
E. I think evil, but I haven't done anything particularly evil in a very
long time. However, I am still resolutely evil, based on the principle of
the thing.
F. Neutral, perhaps with a slight inclination towards evil. Just anything
as I'm not one of those boring lawful good characters.
G. Good, completely.
H. Although I occasionally make mistakes, good.
I. Good, I think. What were the other choices? Oh yes, there are...let's
see...wait, I forgot.
2. Who is your favorite author?
A. Charles Dickens
B. Terry Prachet or Douglas Adams
C. Anne Rice
D. Niechze (sp?)
E. Machievelli
F. Ayn Rand
G. J.R.R. Tolkien
H. C.S. Lewis
I. Oh...author? What was that again? Oh yes...Raold Dahl. (sp?)
3. How do you feel about your parents/children?
A. My children are darling things...I see them when I have time. Wait!
They've grown up?
B. I adore my children, although sometimes I swear that they do things just
to make me angry. But, young adults are like that.
C. Who wants children, anyway? If I had them, I'd send them off to
boarding school.
D. My parents kind of ignored me and I ignored them. Good enough.
E. My parents just don't understand me, and never talk about me anymore.
They think that I'm evil. Really. In return, I never visit, even over the
holidays.
F. Although we argue on occasion, I love my parents and they adore me. I
love my daddy.
G. My parents aren't very happy about my career choice, but other than that
are the best parents that one could hope for.
H. My parents and I get along well enough, I guess.
I. My children? Oh yes...darling little ragamuffins. So sweet. I keep
pictures of them in my wallet...see? There's...oh, wait...I forget.
4. Describe your sense of humor.
A. Nonexistent. Life is no laughing matter!
B, H. Very good. Life is so much easier if you laugh at things!
C. Snide and hurtful.
D. Warped and twisted.
E. Decent, but I get angry easily and lose any humor that I had, as well as
don't really believe that mages ought to have a sense of humor.
F. Fairly good when I'm in a good mood. It tends to become fairly snide
when I'm in bad moods, but I can always laugh at the dumb things that humans
do.
G. Fairly normal, I guess.
I. Humor? Now where did I put that? Oh...here it is! It's rather pink and
fuzzy, I think.
5. How do people describe you? (Or so you think...)
A. Wise, powerful, patriarchal.
B. Distrustful towards those I don't know, caring towards those I do, and
relatively fair in my dealings.
C. Sensuous, seductive, wise
D. Misanthropic, but too powerful to ignore.
E. I like to think powerful, handsome, in control--but also temperamental, a
bit jumpy, and perhaps not completely mature yet...
F. Beautiful, mysterious, powerful, exotic--of course, they whisper all
sorts of things behind my back, but those things are ONLY MY BUSINESS!!!
G. Sweet, shy, kind, honest.
H. Robust, healthy, kind, genuine, basically good.
I. Oh, let's see...what do people think? Ah, yes, well, I lose my hat a lot
and have quite a few good friends...what was his name again?
6. How's your love life?
A. Not bad. Opposites attract.
B. Not good, but I'm getting older.
C. (with a purr) Marvelous.
D. I'm celibate. By choice. Really. I can't waste my time with useless
things like that.
E. Good, obviously. Marvelous. Magnificent. The girls love me and I love
them too. (Black wool is an aphrodisiac.)
F. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!
G. I have a girlfriend and we intend to get married when we've both
finished high school. What more is there than that?
H. Off and on. I travel a lot, so nothings permanent.
I. Love life? Oh, yes, I think that I had one of those, once. Where did I
lose it? I think that I have it in my hat...
7. How do you feel about laws?
A. Whatever. Magic's the only thing worth worrying about.
B. They provide a useful framework that keep things in order, but have
their disadvantages as well.
C. Laws are only for those too weak to break them and too stupid to avoid
being caught.
D. Screw laws. Someday, I will make them.
E. Laws are very useful, particularly if you can work under them.
F. Laws are vital, although I am not fond of tyrannical governments that
make business difficult. All the same, laws ought to be followed, and if
you steal anything from me, I will press charges.
G. Laws ought to be geared to help the most possible people in the best
possible way.
H. I have no need for laws and think that it would be better if people could
govern themselves.
I. Laws? Oh yes...What were they again? I never can remember...
8. What is your favorite spell?
A. Meddle with Destiny
B. Teleport
C. Charm
D. Death wave
E. Amazing Aphrodesiac
F. Kender-proof
G. World Peace
H. Control weather
I. Fireball...how did that go again?
9. What was the most important influence in your life?
A. My teachers
B. My friends and family
C. My lovers
D. No one...well, maybe my brother
E. Myself
F. My father
G. My parents
H. My boat
I. My kender
10. What do you fear the most?
A. Marble, although I don't quite know why...
B. Having nothing to do
C. Other members of my order
D. Unending, excruciating torment
E. Raistlin
F. Kender in my store
G. The dark side of the force
H. Really bad weather
I. Fears? Oh, yes...wait, I forgot again. Wait! I
remember...no...whatever.
OK, now add up your letters to see what you have the most of...
If you picked:
A--You are Par-Salian, the one-time head of the Conclave. A white robe, you
did not bother to consult the other members of the Conclave before giving
Raistlin tremendous powers. He went on to hate you with a passion. You
eventually retired to spend more time with your lover, LaDonna.
B--You are Justarius, another one-time head of the Conclave. A red robe,
you believe in balance and are one of the few magicians who actually seems
to have a sense of humor. You are not particularly pleased when your
daughter, Jenna, takes an interest in your successor, Dalamar, and express
this to Caramon while trying to convince him to let his son, Palin, take the
sometimes lethal test. You die when you try to take Storm's Keep.
C--You are LaDonna. As a one-time head of the black-robes, you are also the
lover of Par-Salin. Known to be beautiful with a sharp tongue and a husky
voice, you entranced many.
D--You are Raistlin. Once a red robe, you later decided that there was more
power in evil. You take power and decide that you will become a god, though
are at last turned back by your twin brother, Caramon, when he tells you how
the world will be destroyed if you continue.
E--You are Dalamar. As one-time head of the Conclave and the apprentice to
Raistlin, one of the most powerful (if not the most powerful) wizards ever
to walk upon Krynn, you are a powerful wizard yourself. After Raistlin
decides to stay behind in the portal, you become the Lord of the Tower of
Palanthas which you brighten considerably by inviting students into it,
including your lover, Jenna.
F--You are Jenna. As the daughter of Justarius, it probably felt
pre-ordained that you would go on to become a red robe yourself. You were
later trained by Dalamar, who would become your lover. When Chaos
threatened the world, you worked with Palin, Dalamar, and Usha to turn it
back and were sent as a representative of the red robes to find how to
destroy the minions of Chaos.
G--You are Palin. As the son of Caramon and Tika, you were well loved and
always had playmates due to your four siblings. You decided to follow in
your uncle Raistlin's footsteps and to become a mage, yourself. When Chaos
threatened the world, you were the primary force in stopping it. You also
were one of the first to discover a new form of magic after the gods left
Krynn.
H--You are Dunbar. The one-time head of the white robes, you are a sea-mage
who uses his abilities with magic to fight storms, keep ships in shape, etc.
You are robust, friendly, and act as a friend to Palin.
I--You are Fizban. Although you are the avatar of the great god of good,
Paladine, you appear as a senile old man who loses his hat, befriends a
kender named Tasslehoff, and can't remember all of his spells or exactly
when to use them.
AD&D Monster Manual IV
Barney
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CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS
FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Little children's minds
INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12)
TREASURE: Merchandising contracts
ALIGNMENT: Purple evil
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NO. APPEARING: 1 (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below)
ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush)
MOVEMENT: 3
HIT DICE: 8
THAC0: 12
NO. OF ATTACKS: 2
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2)
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30)
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90%
SIZE: L (8' tall)
MORALE: Stupid (30)
XP VALUE: 4,000
Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed
dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent lifeforms, eternally seeking out
small children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiousity.
Combat: Barney will normally attack with it's two great paws, each
inflicting 1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw
and fails a saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney
and may be hugged next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each
round until the victim or Barney is killed.
Barney may also utter a 'Power word I love you' once every three rounds.
Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in terror
for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus spells or
be controlled by Barney. He or she will thereafter follow Barney's commands
with a delightful smile, and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each
day that a child is in Barney's control they may be taught another lesson by
Barney, decreasing their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat
reaches zero, the child becomes a mindless Barney zombie! Barney zombies
follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and eagerly spend gold
coins on Barney merchandise.
Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any
individual within 20' must save versus spells once per round or lose 1 point
of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to the
ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck. Intelligence may be regained at the
rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In addition, the aura tends to make
spells go awry, tactics to fail, and mundane items to become intelligent
with their own insipid personalities.
Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio on
the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower plane
and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly
surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and lollipops,
which they may use as +2 maces in combat.
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More DragonLance humor
Q. How many gully dwarves does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 2. No more than 2.
Q. How many kender does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. What lightbulb?
Q. How many intelligent kender does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Both of them.
Q. How many dwarves does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 4. One to change it, and the rest to get drunk celebrating.
Q. How many elves does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two. One to change it, and one to die nobly in the last chapter.
Q. How many Silvanesti elves does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. The humans burned it out; let them change it.
Q. How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Theresacommitteetryingtofindtheanswertothatquestionrightnow...
Q. How many DL companions does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. Just Tanis. I mean, who else did anything in the chronicles?
Q. How many Raistlins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Shirak"
Q. How many Caramons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Hey Raist! How 'bout some light? Cheers."
Q. How many Knights of Solamnia does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 3. Two to argue about the Measure and deck each other and the last to change it.
Q. How many DL authors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. All of them. One to change it, and the rest to admire it and write the Lighbulb Nations Prelude Trilogy II.
Which race are you?
Keep tally on a piece of paper to decide whether you are a human, an elf, a gnome, a dwarf, a goblin, a minotaur, a dragon, a gully dwarf, an ogre, or a kender.
1. Where would you like to live?
a) Where ever my feet happen to take me
b) In an inertial reference frame
c) Where ever they pay me the best
d) Somewhere beautiful, preferably with lots of trees
e) Anywhere with great mineral wealth
f) In a habitat suited to my nature.
g) Anywhere. Preferably with food.
h) A coastal region
i) Doesn't matter. I'm always on the move.
j) Mountainous regions.
2. What are your feelings about magic?
a) Cool! Can I try?
b) Just a manifestation of science. Something we haven’t discovered yet.
c) Useful. Could gain power with it...
d) Good for healing the world.
e) Can’t do anything that hard work can’t accomplish.
f) Very useful for controlling more primitive beings.
g) Me make magic with dead lizard.
h) Magic is for weaklings who lack physical strength.
i) What is magic?
j) Uhhhhhhhhhh....
3. Do you like adventuring?
a) I never stop!!!
b) Only good for exchanging thesis with others. Otherwise, why leave your lab?
c) Nice for gaining power and wealth. Sort of fun, at times.
d) Ewww! Why would I leave my nice home?
e) Ewww! Why would I leave my nice home?
f) Well enough, but I always have my home to return to.
g) And leave the food?
h) If I can gain power and renown for my strength.
i) As long as my tribe goes with me...
j) Me kill. Me defeat. Me win.
4. What do you look for in a mate?
a) Whatever I’m curious about at the time.
b) Someone who shares my interests.
c) Pretty, intelligent, social status, friendly, etc.
d) Social status.
e) Being of the opposite sex and the same species.
f) Someone whom the gods would approve of.
g) Fat, well fed, not likely to starve soon.
h) Nice long horns. And a good fighter, capable of bearing strong sons.
i) Good at scrounging...but she must like me for my personality.
j) Able to defend herself in unarmed combat.
5. What do you want to be when you grow up?
a) I’ll never grow up.
b) A scientist.
c) A jack of all trades.
d) A gardener.
e) A miner.
f) Ruler of the world.
g) Alive.
h) A warrior.
i) I'd like to rule the world, but being realistic...
j) In my deserved place in the world.
6. What’s your favorite color?
a) Blue...or green...or red...actually, I rather like puce at the moment.
b) Monochrome.
c) Depends on my mood.
d) Green.
e) Gold.
f) Whatever looks best on me.
g) Mud.
h) Red
i) Yellow or orange
j) Yellow-green
7. How important is money to you?
a) Money? It’s pretty.
b) Useful for stocking lab supplies.
c) Very.
d) I don’t talk about such vulgar things.
e) It’s my entire life.
f) Must aquire more...must aquire more...
g) Money? Is that edible?
h) Good for buying better weapons.
i) I can finally eat real food!!!!
j) Bwah hah hah hah hah...
8. Do you get along well with other people?
a) Yes, but they don’t get along well with me.
b) Those who aren’t others of my kind don’t understand me.
c) Guess so, for the most part.
d) Others are not worthy of my attention.
e) Grump, grump, grump.
f) People? Well...no.
g) Me like people. People leave best scraps.
h) People must be exterminated to make way for superior races.
i) Make strange noises when prodded...
j) Eat people. Taste good.
9. If you could go into a modern day clothing store, what would you wear?
a) Anything I could dig up from the bargain rack.
b) Lab coat, jeans, a T-shirt.
c) Whatever. Depends on where I’d be going.
d) Armani.
e) Coveralls or a jumpsuit.
f) Bright clothing of uniform color.
g) Clothing? Any clothing? Must think...something not wear out soon.
h) Battle armor.
i) Costumes...clever costumes.
j) Leather. Preferably black leather.
10. What’s your favorite novel?
a) I never sat still long enough to finish one.
b) The Double Helix by Dr. James D. Watson
c) anything off the bestseller list
d) Any classic
e) Farmer’s almanac
f) A classic. But a better classic than found under "d"
g) Me eat book. Me get more smart.
h) Klingon Rules of Warfare
i) Books make good kindling.
j) Marquis de Sade
If you picked mostly:
As, you are a kender. Fun loving, crazy, and possibly psychotic, the race thrives on seeing how long it takes to kill themselves or annoy other creatures into killing them. Their grating temperament and kleptomania makes them difficult to get along with, but their sense of fun and adventure wins them friends.
Bs, you are a gnome. You are a part of the race voted most likely to blow yourselves up. Scientifically inclined, and in love with technobabble, gnomes think too fast for their words and tend to die in explosions. They greatly enjoy building never working contraptions, and are useful only when other races need one of these contraptions and can fix it without gnomish "improvements".
Cs, you are a human. I guess you know about that.
Ds, you are an elf. Annoying, stuck up, and overly interested in social status, your only saving grace is that you like nature and beautiful things. So, if you intend to inherent a lot of wealth, this may be the race for you. Otherwise, you should probably relook your choices.
Es, you are a dwarf. Hard working with a good heart, you’re also annoyingly grumpy. However, once people get to know you, they find out that you’re OK, even if you’re better left in your mountain.
Fs, you are a dragon. The most magnificent of the animals of Krynn, you live in all sorts of climates and your temperament ranges from Lawful Good (gold) to Chaotic Evil (black). Arrogant of your power (huge, strong, and amazing magic users) you often work with the other races for various purposes often dictated to you by the gods.
Gs, you are a gully dwarf. As the pathetic, underdog race of Kyrnn, you spend most of your time just trying to stay alive. Able to live anywhere and more difficult to kill than cockroaches, you cower underfoot trying to survive on a meager subsistence of garbage.
Hs, you are a minotaur. As a part of a proud nautical race that vanquishes its enemies, many of your opponents think of you as bestial and cruel. One of the gnome's greatest accomplishments was accidentally sinking one of your fearsome ships. You rule, but lack important social skills and friends.
Is, you are a goblin. An irritating, scavenging race, most of your time is spent just trying to stay alive. But this does not prevent you from exacting vengeance in the form of torture from any of the other races who you manage to capture.
Js, you are an ogre. As the Queen of Darkness's chosen people, you were once a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, if cruel, race. But then you blew it and are now known both for your hideousness and stupidity. Sucks to be you.
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Who would you marry?
Just so that you can figure out which marriage prospects you should be reading, we have this, our very own matching services for DragonLance fans. This one is strictly for girls, although we don't really care if you're a guy and *like* the idea that you might end up with Riverwind. So, answer truthfully, or whatever, and determine which DragonLance guy would be right for you.
1. How do you feel about children?
a) Children? *wrinkle nose* Their parents are so idiotic about them, and I truly hope that I will never degenerate into such a mindless state.
b) Kids! I love kids! They're great fun to play with.
c) Little brats, keep them away from my stuff!
d) Should be trained into proper soldiers to serve the Dark Queen's cause.
e) They're cute...I'll probably have six or seven.
f) Ahhhh...I love kids. That's why you live, right?
g) Should be trained into proper soldiers to serve mankind.
h) Now where did I put them...did they take my hat?
i) I'm a little busy to be having children now, but they're all right, I guess.
j) I'll let them crawl all over me
k) I'm suspicious about them
l) I hate them...little buggers...but I just can't seem to resist them, all the same
m) Good for eating.
2. What do you expect in a mate?
a) Beautiful, ambitious, interesting, will make me look good, shares my interests...
b) Someone who interests me at the moment, but I'm not really looking.
c) I don't want one. Really. And if I do, she'd better be able to help me.
d) An honorable young lady who knows her place.
e) Someone bright and happy who my mother will approve of.
f) A nice, pretty girl who'll love me and be a good mother for my children.
g) A lady.
h) Mate, why yes, I think I did that once...
i) I just can't decide. One part of me wants the girl I grew up with, another an exciting slut.
j) Someone from home
k) I'm not sure. At times I want a beautiful elven maiden, at others a warrior queen
l) Same species, opposite sex
m) She'd have to look better than me...but that's not hard.
3. Where would you spend your honeymoon?
a) Somewhere where there'd be a lot of people I know.
b) On the road.
c) In the Abyss.
d) In the temple of the Dark Queen.
e) Niagara Falls
f) In a nice bed and breakfast.
g) Somewhere historical
h) Honeymoon...on a moon?
i) It would just depend on which one I married...
j) Camping
k) In my decayed, evil castle
l) In some place dark and enclosed
m) At another HighLord's place
4. What would you do on your honeymoon?
a) Make out obnoxiously in public
b) Travel
c) World domination
d) Serve my mistress (and no, that's not you)
e) Cuddle
f) Make babies
g) Talk and have the servants wait on us
h) Look for my hat
i) I STILL CAN'T DECIDE WHO I WANT!!!!!
j) Find the true gods
k) Wail about our sorrows
l) Make her beautiful jewelry
m) Hunt kender
5. What could you offer a mate?
a) Fine china, furniture, undead servants, my wonderful self
b) Adventure, excitement, and more!
c) The world and lots of abuse.
d) The honor of being married to me, plus I'll honorably defeat your pansy lawful good enemies.
e) I'm cute, nonthreatening, and your mother will love me.
f) Cute, great sex, and I'm great with kids.
g) I'll treat you like a lady.
h) You could have my hat...fireball!!!!
i) I'm a good leader and interesting enough to attract two beautiful women.
j) I'm a good listener.
k) I have extraordinary power AND undead servants
l) I'm a talented craftsman and one of your kind
m) I *did* manage to become a Dragon Highlord. (Stop laughing!)
6. What will my family think of you?
a) Young lady, you are NOT dating him.
b) Isn't he a driftless loser? But he is sorta sweet...
c) Oh GOD no...*begins fleeing in horror*
d) Depending on your alignment either "wonderful darling" or *no*
e) Oh! Honey, he's so cute!
f) A little slow, but such a sweetheart
g) He seems like a very nice boy...
h) Are you marrying him for his money? (what money?)
i) He's a very nice young man, but he seems a little distracted...
j) So what do you guys talk about?
k) They'd prefer not to think about it
l) Hasn't he been away from home too long?
m) Honey, you can keep cute little animals, but you're not keeping *that*
7. What would be my competition?
a) A powerful, wealthy, beautiful sorceress or, earlier, a woman who's taken over most of the world
b) Only my love of pretty things
c) None. I have no love interests. I want no love interests. Well, there was that one cleric...but that was only lust I tell you, lust!!!
d) My love of valor, honor, and my dark goddess
e) A flaky, yet very pretty thief with self esteem problems
f) A sweet, beautiful girl from my home town
g) An elven princess renown for her beauty even among the elves
h) My hat!
i) A beautiful elven princess or a wild woman who controls most of the world (see a)
j) A barbarian princess, albeit a destitute barbarian princess
k) The second woman in both a and i
l) This annoying creature that hangs around with me
m) My ego
8. Where will you two live?
a) In an evil, cursed tower
b) On the road
c) The Abyss
d) With my army
e) In my academy or my parent's inn. It's got an extra room for us.
f) We'll settle down in my old home town and I'll build us a nice house
g) In my castle
h) Live? Live! Yes, I do live. Don't you?
i) I just keep moving away from anywhere I live for long. I don't feel comfortable much of anywhere.
j) On the plains
k) In an evil, cursed, castle with banshees wailing about us at all hours of the night
l) In a stone house...a nice, proper STONE HOUSE
m) In a city of thieves and malcontents
9. What would be your dream job?
a) Exactly what I'm doing now
b) Something that would let me travel a lot
c) Dark God
d) Head of the evil army
e) A professor at a prestigious college
f) A carpenter
g) A knight in shining armor
h) A space cadet
i) Accepted
j) A psychologist
k) A knight in shining armor...*sigh*
l) Craftsman
m) Petty, well bribed, bureaucrat
10. What's your best trait?
a) Only one? *whine* Intelligence
b) Wild luck
c) Ambition
d) Honor
e) Kindness
f) Determination
g) Honor
h) Interesting...
i) Leadership abilities
j) Stability
k) I'm not easily scared
l) Honesty
m) I'm hard to kill
Read marriage prospects for details:
If you picked mostly As you would be most happily married to Dalamar, you poor thing. Do you think that you can compare with Jenna?
If you picked mostly Bs, you'd be happiest with Tasslehoff. We're not quite sure what to think. Really.
If you picked mostly Cs, you'd be happiest with Raistlin, but do you really think that you can succeed where Crysania failed?
If you chose mostly Ds, you'd love to marry Steel. We're sorta scared.
If you have mostly Es, you'd be happily married to Palin. How cute. And we do think that you'd be better than Usha.
If you've got a lot of Fs, you could cuddle up with Caramon. Good choice.
If G is your letter, you'd like to marry Sturm, which would be interesting, to say the least.
If H is your favorite choice, you'd be happily married to Fizban. We don't understand, but we're not here to judge.
If you picked mostly I, you'd be happily married to Tanis, provided that he chose you over Kitiara and Laurana.
If you had a lot of Js, you could be happily married to Riverwind. Tell us what it's like.
If you're a K sort of person, you'd be most happily married to Lord Soth. Spooky, yes, but we suppose that he was once normal once...maybe.
If you picked a lot of Ls, you'd like Flint. Are you a dwarf, or do you just want to be one?
If you got mostly Ms, we pity you. Toede is the best match for you, and that's just pathetic. Was someone else picking your letters for you?
Just so that you can figure out which marriage prospects you should be reading, we have this, our very own matching services for DragonLance fans. This one is strictly for guys, although we don't really care if you're a girl and *like* the idea that you might end up with Bupu. So, answer truthfully, or whatever, and determine which DragonLance girl would be right for you.
1. How do you feel about children?
a) They're God's chosen people, but personally I can't stand them
b) I like children, children like me. I two, no more than two!
c) Now that's what back alley doctors are for.
d) Sweet little things, I want a million!
e) I hold children in great reverence.
f) It is my duty to provide my husband with heirs.
g) If I got pregnant, he'd stay with me, right?
h) I'm so glad that there are other people to populate the world.
i) They are more easily converted to followers of the One God.
j) Little brats, I'd ship them off to boarding school and forget that I had them.
k) It is my duty to my race to have a child.
l) One must instill ambition, greed, and vice within them
2. What do you expect in a mate?
a) I've sworn an oath of celibacy, even though the chance to reform someone who's evil does sound interesting...
b) Alive, and round enough to live when there is no food.
c) Breathing, male, faintly humanoid, virile
d) Nice, kind, good with children, treats me well
e) Someone who will support me
f) Someone related to me
g) Non threatening, human
h) Money, power...must be intelligent and attractive to expect anything long term...personality not a must
i) I may not have love interests as they would distract me from my holy quest
j) I'm actually beginning to wonder about that myself...
k) Someone who will be politically advantageous
l) Must be divine
3. Where would you spend your honeymoon?
a) In a temple
b) In a nice, full dumpster
c) Doesn't matter because I'm not planning to get out of bed
d) In a bed and breakfast
e) In the beauty of nature
f) Somewhere beautiful with lots of trees
g) Somewhere where no one can find us
h) An an expensive resort...with room service and lots of servants
i) With my army, on my holy quest
j) Somewhere dark and mysterious where I could seduce my consort
k) On the road, preparing our next triumph
l) In the Abyss
4. What would you do on your honeymoon?
a) Pray
b) Eat, reproduce
c) Screw
d) Make babies
e) Admire nature
f) Read romantic poetry
g) Cuddle
h) Screw *while* discussing business
i) Lead my armies to victory
j) Lick chocolate off of him slowly
k) Create heir, reclaim Silvanesti
l) Take over the world, and finally keep it
5. What could you offer a mate?
a) A stairway to heaven
b) Me smartest of clan, plus I work magic with lizard
c) The best sex of your life, and, if I like you, the chance to conquer the world with me
d) A sweet, lovely girl who will be a perfect wife
e) A true cleric who defends what she believes in
f) An elven princess
g) I'm still trying to figure that out myself. Reportedly I'm beautiful, but I don't believe it
h) A beautiful, powerful, wealthy sorceress who owns an independent business, is renowned for her wise decisions, and is not afraid to point it out.
i) Greater understanding of the One God
j) Great sex and a mysterious evil sorceress partner
k) Elven princess, but this time an intelligent elven princess
l) Just about anything...power, forbidden sexual delights, money, as I said, anything.
6. What will my family think of you?
a) She doesn't seem like the marrying type...
b) Oh, you bought a new pet!
c) I raised you better than that!
d) What a sweet girl...
e) Has she *always* been into this weird New Age stuff?
f) I'm a little worried about the in-laws. (Wait, we are the in-laws!)
g) She seems harmless
h) Are you sure you're up for this?
i) I just don't understand her at all...
j) I hope it's just a phase...
k) How the hell did he get her?
l) They'll like me, because I'll make them.
7. What would be my competition?
a) My religion and a hacking mage
b) Pretty magician!
c) Everything in pants...(or out of them)
d) A very big, very kind, very determined man with self esteem problems and a bit of a habit
e) Walking furniture
f) My cousin
g) The dweeb of the Conclave
h) A neurotic dark elf and anyone more powerful than you
i) The One God
j) Strangely enough, an elderly mage who is going senile
k) My country, an honorable knight, and an arranged marriage
l) A very powerful mate with a bad temper
8. Where will you two live?
a) In a temple
b) Anywhere with food
c) In a creepy decayed castle with a death knight watching us
d) In my home town
e) On the plains
f) In a forest, somewhere
g) Where ever he wants me to live
h) Well, I'll be staying in my home, but I'll visit you in your gorgeous home when I want a vacation
i) With my army. I'm still recruiting
j) In the Tower of High Sorcery, Wayreth
k) In a burial mound
l) In the Abyss
9. What would be your dream job?
a) High Priestess
b) Alive
c) Ruler of the Universe (with lots of male lackeys)
d) Mother
e) Native American Spiritualist
f) Society wife
g) Artist
h) Executive!
i) Serving the One God
j) Head of the Conclave
k) Politician
l) Head of the Gods
10. What's your best trait?
a) My piety
b) My magic
c) My abilities in bed
d) Spunky!
e) My kind soul
f) I'm pretty
g) I don't know...*sniff*
h) Power...no...beauty...no...money...no, no...everything! Wait, one? OK, intelligence
i) My devotion
j) My mysterious nature
k) Diplomacy
l) Everything, only this time it's true.
If you picked a lot of As, you'd be happily married to Crysania. Just don't expect attention, sex, or children.
If you like B, you'd be happily married to Bupu. And you know what, you probably *are* better than current mate, High Bulp.
If you have a fondness for Cs, you could end up with Kitiara. Just remember, take the blood test *before* the wedding, and even if she turns out clean, use *lots* of protection.
If you're a D kind of guy, you'd be happily married to Tika and all we can say is "cute".
If you're an E sort of person, be ready for a zany, weird life with Goldmoon.
If you picked mostly Fs, you could be married to Laurana, provided that you're related and the family approves and she likes you, and her brothers don't kill you, and all that.
If G is your letter, than you could be married to Usha. How sweet...maybe you can provide her with the psychological counseling that she needs.
If you picked Hs, you'd be married to Jenna. Except, of course, that she doesn't like the idea of marrying and probably wouldn't have you anyway. Be prepared to pine, buddy.
If you picked Is, you could be married to Mina. But will you win over the One God?
If you picked mainly Js, you could be married to LaDonna. If you have your doubts about winning such a beautiful, mysterious, powerful woman, just remember, she did indeed sleep with Par-Salian.
If you picked a lot of Ks and have some impressive political connections, you can marry Alhana. Otherwise, you two can just have a tragic sort of courtly love thing.
If you picked mostly Ls, you could be the beautiful, intelligent, and willful Queen Takhisis. Yeah, I know that it would be cool being married to a Goddess, but, truthfully, do you either think that you could get her or keep her happy? (And do you want to see her unhappy?)
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Top Ten Reasons You Know You've Become a Lich
10. You get more than dandruff flakes when you scratch your head.
9. The entrance way to your tower has a foot of dust on it, and you didn't
sneeze when you cleaned it up.
8. You don't tan anymore, but your skin still flakes, in large chunks.
7. Your eyeballs fell out, and yet you can still see.
6. You stopped getting junk mail.
5. Young kids keep making sand caskets outside your tower.
4. The nearby city keeps sending priests to "talk" to you.
3. The great-grandson of your first elven friend comes to visit asking if you
can help him with old age pains.
2. You familiar starts avoiding you.
1. You realize you haven't eaten, slept or got drunk in the past decade.
Top Ten Signs You've Pissed Off the Villagers
10. The "interesting new stew" you've been served at the inn smells
suspiciously like sewage.
9. One ripe apple at the market place costs more than your last spellbook.
8. They're building a gallows outside of your room at the inn. They try to
tell you that it's "modern art".
7. One of them asks you for a donation for the "Hire Some Thugs to Kill
the Adventurers" fund.
6. Someone glued a spike to your saddle.
5. At bed time, your goose-down pillow explodes. The innkeeper says that
the pillow was made from feathers of very angry geese.
4. People keep providing you with gifts of horses and maps out of town.
3. The mayor declares a special "Murder of Foreigners is No Longer
Illegal" day, in your honor.
2. Arrows keep appearing in the dirt at your feet. Local villagers shake their
heads, and claim that they are fast growing weeds.
1. The villagers hire a band of trolls to rid their town of adventurers.
Top Ten Spells That Never Made It
10. Berman's Death - to - the - Caster.
9. Power word, fart.
8. Gelatinous Shell (immediately surrounds the caster in a gelatinous cube).
7. Safe fall (like feather fall, but makes you weigh as much as a 1 2 ton bank
vault).
6. Polymorph Udder (a highly specialized spell which only affects female
cattle).
5. Stinking Klaus (summons a fat, smelly German businessman, who
chases your enemies while eating an Oktoberfest sausage and belching).
4. Magnetskin (a variation of stoneskin - makes the caster's skin magnetic,
giving all metallic weapons a +10 bonus to hit).
3. Meatier Swarm (large chunks of ground chuck rain to the ground).
2. Polymorph any Omelet.
1. Fireballs (sets the target's testicles on fire - very effective, but a bit too
kinky for TSR).
Top Ten Signs You Play Too Much AD&D
10. Someone says "Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on you
hand?" and you reply "Those aren't tattoos, they're die imprints."
9. Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years - and you haven't.
8. You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can have the
same skin color.
7. You've been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke, and pizza that your body
now contains more plastic than your dice.
6. You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG. . . . but you
can't remember how many kids you have.
5. You sign personal correspondences with your character's name.
4. After months of work, you have made up the entire dwarven language -
words, rules of vocabulary, the whole lot. You are bilingual, and can now
speak fluent dwarven. Your friends stare at you strangely, and no one
will sit on the same side of the table as you.
3. Drug addict and alcoholic friends of yours often stop you to say "Dude,
get a grip."
2. Your "If I won the lottery" plans involve creating: (a) a really cool AD&D
room, or (b) hiring actors to play monsters so that you and your friends
can play AD&D for real.
1. You'd rather get a natural 18 when rolling character statistics than win the
lottery.
Top Ten Signs Your DM is Too Easy
10. The red dragon suddenly develops a chest cold, and cannot use it's breath
weapon.
9. Your party sneaks into the lich's secret dungeons. Luckily for them, the
lich has been born-again, and sent all his undead minions off to do charity
for the poor.
8. The phrase "Oh geez, what do I need with another +5 vorpal longsword"
is used during game play.
7. Your cleric is on a first name basis with this god, because of all the times
the god has had to pop in to save the cleric's butt.
6. Any major city has at least one "Ressurect-a-matic" on every street
corner.
5. All the city's guards are first level, and are easily spooked by the
flamefinger cantrip.
4. Bubba the Mighty, the most powerful and evil mage in the world, has a
soft spot for fast-talking kender. Instead of casting meteor swarm and
annihilating the party, he decides to teleport away.
3. The party is dividing treasure. The fighter says "Ok, who wants the
staff of the magi? Anybody? Anyone at all? Ok, we leave it leaning
against a tree stump."
2. The DM uses a four sider to roll monster attacks.
1. The gods in your campaign worship the player characters.
Top Ten Signs Your DM is Too Hard
10. You've been playing for three weeks, and have 76 dead characters.
9. You're playing in Dark Sun, but still only use Method I to roll characters.
8. Your fighter gets a bit tipsy, and pinches the barmaid's bottom. The
barmaid pulls out her bow and her arrow of fighter slaying.
7. Your 15th level theif just had the snot kicked out of him by an eight year
old girl.
6. There are lethal traps on every latrine door.
5. Most peasants have 20 hit dice, and many know the power word, kill
spell.
4. Your party has slain Emberburn, the most fearsome and powerful red
dragon the DM has ever created. The DM stares at you in shock
over the "1" he just rolled. After poking him in the arm for five minutes,
chanting "horde...horde...horde..." over nad over he looks at you. The
look of surprise fades, and an evil grin replaces it. "As it happens," the
DM says with glee, "the dragon had cast project image just before the
party entered the cavern...."
3. Your mage has an argument with a local spice merchant. Finally,
annoyed to the breaking point, he casts charm on the merchant. Sadly,
the merchant is a retired 22nd level elven mage. Shaking your head,
you reach for the statistic rolling dice once again . . .
2. Trees can, and often do, explode in huge, 20d6 hit die fireballs. No
explanation is ever offered.
1. Regular rabbits are gone. They have been replaced by the killer-rabbit
from "Monty Python and the Quest For the Holy Grail".
Clerics and Their Weapons
Brother Drewfus and Brother Tyronius got into an argument over a difference in theological interpretation. They had never gotten along and wihtin a few minutes the argumetn had turned into a fight. They started out exchanging punches, but soon they each had a weapon in hand. Just then, Brother Francis comes into the room and says, "Brothers, stop this at once; this fight to pointless." "It had better be," said Tyronius, "We're both Clerics."
Halfling bread?"
"Made by halflings, not of halflings, Mongo. Put Pippin down now."
"Darn. Mongo hungry..."
Halfling bread was brought up in a game by my former GM many years ago. Basically, it was a special bread that had psychomorphic reactions when eaten...
"What that mean?"
"Shaddap, Mongo. Let the man explain."
Well, simply put, it tastes like whatever you want it to taste like. If you've eaten it before, and you know what something tastes like, you can have the Halfling Bread taste like it. All you have to do is think about what you want to taste before eating some....It's a rare and special treat to come across this delicacy in our games.
"So munch it can slurp taste like chew halfling now?"
"Mongo, stop chewing on Pippin's arm..."
"Sorry."
-- Rhakir
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One of our longest-lasting foodstuffs very early in our AD&D campaign was the "Trollburger" device: basically a steel canister with a screw-lid that contained the flesh of a troll. Trolls regenerate, so you'd take off the lid, let it grow to the desired 'thickness,' cut it off flat, and cook immediately. That stopped it growing further by cooking it, and you still had troll-in-a-can for later!
-- Abaddon
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My brother (who was, at the time, just six years old; you can never start too early) and my best friend were my only players and I was feeling silly. I started them out - traditionally - in an inn. But I was determned to make this different. I started by describing the food that everyone else in the inn was eating: Iltian lobster-worm. They look like long, pale lobsters and are eaten raw and alive. You stab the head with a long two-pronged fork and then slice off segments, starting with the tail. When the tail is gone, you use a spoon to scoop out the brains. Then you eat the claws. At about this point, my brother and my normally macho best friend were turning rather green -- so Ianus, the elven thief (my best friend), said, "I'll just have some soup." So I gave him something that looked rather like oatmeal, except when he took a bite each little tasty little grain popped in his mouth (sort of like caviar). It turned out to be boiled maggots!
-- Belegwen Lightningblade
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The other characters, who also forgot to bring rations.
-- Urte McBeat
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Our GM, in his ongoing, noble, albeit somewhat misguided effort to provide local color to our Shadowrun slum, created a drink.
GM: "It's fermented from leftover pulp and sludge from the local kelp processing plant.
Shadowrunners: "Uh-huh."
GM: "It's green."
Shadowrunners: "Uh-huh."
GM: "It's hallucinogenic."
Shadowrunners: "Uh-huh."
14-year-old Car Thief: "Cool!"
GM: "The street name is--"
Me: "Kelpenbrau!"
Now our first question upon entering a bar is always "Got any Kelpenbrau?"
-- Mouse
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The first time I played in AD&D, we'd just creamed a bunch of owlbears and took their meat. I wound up in charge of cooking them. I didn't have the Cooking proficiency, but we figured that putting a piece of meat over a fire until it stops dripping blood was pretty basic. Then some of the party went off and got into battle with more of the things, and I was left cooking the meat. So I started making little meat-men. Then, before the others came back, I got overrun by some goblins and they ate up all of my meat-men.
-- Lythurienne
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We were playing a D&D game with a mage that collected odd spells and trinkets. For the most part, he was annoying -- until we had to interrogate a bandit.
Of course the fighter and the thief did the standard "I pick my teeth with a dagger while we're interrogating him" thing (which I think is way overused and lame to begin with -- and, apparently, so did our eclectic mage)...
While out of view, the mage spinkled his dagger with this powder he'd gotten from the last town which made anything non-living eatable (in case you're starving or something). Then the mage went and stood next to the fighter and the thief, looked right at the bandit, and took a big old bite out of his dagger!
He talked.
-- AFool
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We attacked a rather large dragon, who flamed us. The joker in the party decided to put out some chestnuts for roasting in the flames. "Okay," said the GM, "the dragon roasts your nuts."
-- Oriel
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Well, it wasn't actually the food that was interesting, it was the player.
In my old Champions game, one of the players had a character who could regenerate. To the player, this was the same thing as invulnerability, but much more painful. He was also totally insane.
The setting: breakfast in a military cafeteria. JD, the character, started asking his hands what they wanted to eat. "Ham," said the left hand. "Sausage," said the right. The player roleplayed this out=20 for a minute or two while the rest of the players watched him talk to his hands. Eventually they agreed on "BACON!!!" Then things got weird. The left hand decided to make an alpine ski slope out of mashed potatoes and asparagus sticks. "James Bond is skiing down the mountain," the left hand said as he played with his food, making whooshing sounds. The right hand drew a .44 magnum....
-- Number None
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The group was on the way to see a wild mage, whom everyone in the town had described as insane. On the way, the elf thief managed to anger two mountain lions protecting their cubs. The orc of the group quickly smashed both, and that crazy elf stuck her head BACK into the lions' den. The group suddenly found themselves the adoptive parents of five cute "kitties." When they reached the wizard and went inside to talk to him, he tried to create a bowl of cat food for the hungry cubs. This is how it went:
(Roll for level variation) 9. For a level 11 character, that's a wild surge.
(Roll for wild surge) 90. Consult table: "Spell has 60' radius centered on target (all within radius suffer the effect)."
I think for a minute. Then:
"The figure waves a hand toward a spot on the floor. There is a pop, and the floor is suddenly covered with bowls of cat food. The cats are startled, but after hesitating, attack the food. The figure says, 'I hate it when that happens.'"
-- Anti-Munchkin
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In their own demiplane, floating in the Ethereal, exist a bizarre race of beings caled Colas. These things are large and boxy looking, with their name (Cola) printed broadly across their faces. They glow with bioluminescence. They communicate telepathically with their fellow Colas, and to non-telepaths, all they can say is "Would you like a refreshing Cola?" or "The delicious choice of next generation!"
Well, one day, a wise wizard was traveling the Ethereal realm searching for a good place to build his otherwordly demesne, when he came across the realm of the Colas. They were friendly enough, and he soon learned that they had magic powers. You see, if you put a little bit of metal into them (usually=20 just a couple coins of some sort), they can magically transmute it into a Potion of Cola, which they then give you by dropping it into a large retention area towards their base. It even comes out cool and in a convenient metal cylander.
The wizard was amazed! In no time he decided that he had to return to his world and create simulacrum of these marvelous things. They're unmoving and unintelligent, but they can perform the Colas' neat little magic tricks. Now there's not a tavern or in on this world which doesn't occasionally echo with the phrase "Would you like a refreshing Cola?"
-- Dragonel
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This wasn't exactly on the menu.
Our party had just defeated a Troll, after a tremendous battle. Our berserker barbarian, looking for the perfect revenge, decided to rip the heart from the Troll and eat it raw. He had threatened to do that during the battle, but we thought it was just one of those things you say to scare the enemy. He cut the Troll's chest open, ripped out the heart, and started eating it. Everyone else was feeling sick at the sight of it, but we decided to move on and forget the incident. During the night, the barbarian started to feel unconfortable and began moaning, waking everybody else. After some minutes, in the best Alien-like fashion, his chest burst open and a small hand reached out.
-- Draug
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Pork-in-a-Pack; the world's only liquified pork. Makes great break fluids, gasoline, shampoo, toothpaste, and always gives you that smooth, never-watered-down taste you've come to expect of liquid pork.
-- OMS
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"Shoggoth on a stick! Get your shoggoth on a stick here! Only ninety-five cents each; eat it while it's hot, they're lovely! Deep-fried Deep One! Only a dollar a bag, goes down a treat with some Fungi from Yuggoth. Hastur surprise! Order three and receive a free visitation from an extra dimensional being!"
...fresh from the Arkham Catering Company.
-- Kolonel K
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One food that has become epic in the Traveller game I ref is the energy bar.
It was invented by a player worried about her character's survival on wilderness planets, and is a kind of high protein food. It instantly became the stereotypical health food. It tastes like cardboard. It can break teeth and, when stale, is hard enough to prop open stone doors. When thrown, it can be lethal. Over 80 years in a standard atmosphere it will not decay or mold. Some planets have outlawed it as a biological hazard. It is persistent enough that, despite all my attempts to let it fade from=20 the game, it endures -- even after the retirement of the character it was invented for. After two years of real time, energy bars still show up in some odd places.
-- Jaxa
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One time I was playing a Fianna in "Werewolf: the Dark Ages" who was left smelly, naked, and hungry after a fight with a wyrm monster. He promptly produced a knife, shifted to Crinos, skinned his own leg and cut off two prime cuts. He began regenerating immediatly, so no hair off his leg. He then skewered the meat and cooked it on a packmate's fire fetish axe. Only he and the Shadow Lord ate the fine feast.
-- Destican
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GM: The Androlites hand you a dinner plate covered with food.
PC: I eat it.
GM: You die.
PC: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
Androlite: How was I supposed to know they weren't immune to deadly poison?
-- Ack-ah-lite
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I would have to say the strangest food ever conceived in a campaign I played in were scrambled eggs. These scrambled eggs were very helpful. In fact, they gave some of the best advice the players ever received.
-- Poeir
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One a group I was in had an encounter with 3 giant lobsters. We finally managed to get off a couple of lightning bolts and a fireball in the same round and took them out. Our priest then conjured up 8 cubic feet of drawn butter and some lemons. Lunch was great.
-- William Travis
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In a game I was DMing I decided to be a little humorous. On the way to an important destination, the group was ambushed in a forest by a group of sprites. Since the group was greatly outnumbered they ran out of the forest in panic.
On the way back they entered the same forest, but all they found was a dumb hill giant.
PC: Who are you?
Giant: Me Ugg!
PC: We'll just be leaving.
A sprite flew by and Ugg grabbed it. He then squeezed it dry, forcing all the blood to drip into a small bottle.
Ugg: Drink sprite!
PC: Uh....That's okay.
Ugg: You no like Ugg's drink?
PC: No, we loooooove Ugg's drink.
I rewarded the character's bravery by saying the potion restored a few HP. The players thought that was hilarious so I had Ugg open his own bar, selling things like brownies, pudding, and -- of course -- sprite.
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